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[About as secret as anything ever is with Casey Junior.]

Can you be the oldest while still being the youngest?

[Gosh he's never been the oldest anything.]

I decree it so. :)

My oldest, youngest son. ♥

:) <3

Is it OK that you're my second mom?

[oh. a shift that rue was not entirely prepared for, but not upset by.]

Does that bother you, darling?

Not really. She

[Hm.]

She was mostly my mom in name only, so I just wondered.

[For all they've talked of Leo, it occurs to Rue that they haven't spoken much of Casey's real mother.]

Has she been much on your mind since you began calling me mom?

Not since then, but...

[Hmm, hmm.]

Can I ask a weird question?

You may.

Do you know anything about buried memories?

Only through passing alone. It's nothing I've ever gone through myself, but the fae have notoriously sharp memories.

Is that something you've experienced?

Yeah.

[...He did it to himself again, didn't he.]

When that fae hurt Leo, I remembered something. The day my other mom died.

[The way Rue sucks in a sharp breath without even realizing it. Of course it makes sense that if Casey was there, he would bury that kind of memory away. What child should have to carry such a terrible thing along with them?]

Tell me everything, darling. How does that realization make you feel? Is that the only memory you have of her?

Does calling me your mother feel different now? Is it too much?

No, it's not like that. It's

hang on.

[....Ring, ring.]

[Not to be a boomer but Rue looks relived at the call. Rue is happy to text all of their kids but important conversations take a lot more concentration to type them out with their talons. These phones are just not made for them!]

My love, hello. Thank you for calling me. This is so much more convenient.

I figured it would be.

[He's not entirely convinced it'll be easier to say than type, but his tone isn't exactly tearful. It's quiet, a little guarded. But he's had several weeks to shelf and compartmentalize a lot of these feelings, so. There is that.]

I just- I wanted to say. I wasn't there, I didn't see it. I just know that's the day it happened.

[Of course Rue picks up on that particular tone. They wish they could hold Casey's hand while he works through this, but they can continue sharing their warmth and support from their cottage straight to his heart.]

Tell me what parts you remember now. Anything at all that is weighing on you.

[He's quiet for a long moment, mulling over the invitation and how he ought to respond.]

I remember... she used to come back from missions and see me right away. She called me 'little fireball'? I don't know why. Your nickname reminded me of that. [A beat, and then,] I don't want you to stop! And I don't want to stop calling you mom, either. So don't worry about that.

I do not want to stop either, as long as you are comfortable and happy. You know how deeply I care for you, how impossible it is for me to look at you and not be reminded that you are my son.

[and then more gently,]

But I do not wish to cross any boundaries. It is the same as before, I do not wish to take your mother's place or push her out. So anytime that you want to speak about her, I would be so happy to hear. Including now.

[Little fireball is darling, even if Rue is missing the context.]

I imagine you must have been on her mind while she was out. Seeing you after would be the highlight of her day.

Edited 2023-11-24 07:58 (UTC)

A mother's intuition?

[There's a sliver of humour in his tone. He's seen how Rue lights up when they see him. He knows the truth.]

I do remember that, though. A little bit. When she came back, she'd carry me to the mess hall and we'd eat together. She was supposed to come back around then, but... when our door opened it wasn't her. The Krang had found our base, they were- people were-

[He halts again, a slow inhale. It was a long time ago... he's not afraid of them anymore. (Maybe a little. Maybe Krang Prime, a little. Maybe the Technodrome, a lot.)]

...She was scouting that day. Outside the base. She never came home.

[They've been caught red-pawed.

But Rue does not even have a chance to settle in the fluttery-sweet feeling of that moment, because what Casey says next leaves their blood running cold immediately.]

They found you there?

...Yeah. [It's such a strange thing to worry about, or be hesitant in saying - he obviously lived to tell the tale - but here it is. He tries to keep his voice level.] She was going to kill me, but Master Leonardo stopped her, fought her off. He told me to run, and I... couldn't. I just sat there.

[He hesitates again. Once he says it... it's out there, forever. No takebacks. But isn't it only right? Only fair? They should have full disclosure. They'd accepted him, mess and all, but Leo's their son now too. And he's the one who keeps getting hurt because of Casey's choices.]

...I was... in the way. I didn't move fast enough. That's how sensei lost his arm. That's... why I remembered. I did it again.

[Rue would give anything to be there with him for this, but maybe that is why Casey has chosen such a distant method to speak. To not give himself the chance to press his face into feathers and hide, to put more distance between him and the comfort he knows Rue would swaddle him in.

They tease about him being the eldest by virtue of adoption order, but Casey is still so young. To have something so heavy and dark weighing down upon him... How is it that all of these boys carry such demons on their backs?]

I know it seems like such an easy trail to follow, Casey, but your inaction is not the true cause for what happened to either Leo. You must not forget the ones who did it to him. To take any of the blame away from them and put it back onto yourself is far credit more than any of them deserve. Truly dear, one mistake does not redefine an entire person.

Besides, you did not hesitate when I was in danger. I would not have lived if you had.

[Casey takes a slow, shaky breath at that, quiet for almost too long. A part of him knows that they're right. Logically, circumstances are what caused everything to happen. He was a kid, he was ambushed, he was doing his best in a world gone mad. His expectations of himself are far too high. He can't shake the feeling, though. Sensei was the greatest ninja in the world. How much stronger could he have been with two arms, without the prosthetic weighing him down? Without the chronic or ghost pains, without the mechanical issues. If sensei hadn't been carrying him to safety, could Master Raphael have survived the fight that fatally wounded him that day? Saving sensei and Casey?

There's at least a dozen ways he could respond to that with, but the one that sneaks out, ultimately, is,]

He keeps getting hurt... because of me. I don't know why he doesn't...

[Resent him? Hate him? Stop saving him? Want to not be around him anymore? Change anything about how he acts around Casey? He's happy, of course - he doesn't ever want to be disliked by Leo - but the apparent lack of it feels so unearned.]

[A gentle, thoughtful hum on the other end of the relic. On some level, Rue understands where Casey's fears and hurts are coming from. His feelings are not completely unfounded, after all. To hurt someone he so dearly loves, not just once, but twice, even indirectly, the guilt must be so immense.]

I can not speak for Leo, of course, but in my experience of knowing him, I believe he would not only forgive you, but that he'd say you are putting undo pressure upon yourself. Mistakes happen - even ones as terrible as the one Leo has been through - but your intention was never to hurt him. You have only ever tried to do your very best. And both Leo and I know that.

[And because it should be asked,]

Have you spoken to him since, dearest?

[There's a third time that Rue isn't thinking of- all the damage done to Leo in the prison dimension was because of Casey's decision. And still, there's no blame, no resentment. Leo had dismissed it when he'd tried to take the blame. Said he helped save the world. And here...]

...We talked. He said we were even... he saved me, and I saved him. That he's glad I was safe. He never blamed me.

[In other words, exactly what Rue might have imagined Leo would say. It's what he'd have expected Leo to say. So why doesn't this feeling go away?]

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