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[Of course Rue picks up on that particular tone. They wish they could hold Casey's hand while he works through this, but they can continue sharing their warmth and support from their cottage straight to his heart.]

Tell me what parts you remember now. Anything at all that is weighing on you.

[He's quiet for a long moment, mulling over the invitation and how he ought to respond.]

I remember... she used to come back from missions and see me right away. She called me 'little fireball'? I don't know why. Your nickname reminded me of that. [A beat, and then,] I don't want you to stop! And I don't want to stop calling you mom, either. So don't worry about that.

I do not want to stop either, as long as you are comfortable and happy. You know how deeply I care for you, how impossible it is for me to look at you and not be reminded that you are my son.

[and then more gently,]

But I do not wish to cross any boundaries. It is the same as before, I do not wish to take your mother's place or push her out. So anytime that you want to speak about her, I would be so happy to hear. Including now.

[Little fireball is darling, even if Rue is missing the context.]

I imagine you must have been on her mind while she was out. Seeing you after would be the highlight of her day.

Edited 2023-11-24 07:58 (UTC)

A mother's intuition?

[There's a sliver of humour in his tone. He's seen how Rue lights up when they see him. He knows the truth.]

I do remember that, though. A little bit. When she came back, she'd carry me to the mess hall and we'd eat together. She was supposed to come back around then, but... when our door opened it wasn't her. The Krang had found our base, they were- people were-

[He halts again, a slow inhale. It was a long time ago... he's not afraid of them anymore. (Maybe a little. Maybe Krang Prime, a little. Maybe the Technodrome, a lot.)]

...She was scouting that day. Outside the base. She never came home.

[They've been caught red-pawed.

But Rue does not even have a chance to settle in the fluttery-sweet feeling of that moment, because what Casey says next leaves their blood running cold immediately.]

They found you there?

...Yeah. [It's such a strange thing to worry about, or be hesitant in saying - he obviously lived to tell the tale - but here it is. He tries to keep his voice level.] She was going to kill me, but Master Leonardo stopped her, fought her off. He told me to run, and I... couldn't. I just sat there.

[He hesitates again. Once he says it... it's out there, forever. No takebacks. But isn't it only right? Only fair? They should have full disclosure. They'd accepted him, mess and all, but Leo's their son now too. And he's the one who keeps getting hurt because of Casey's choices.]

...I was... in the way. I didn't move fast enough. That's how sensei lost his arm. That's... why I remembered. I did it again.

[Rue would give anything to be there with him for this, but maybe that is why Casey has chosen such a distant method to speak. To not give himself the chance to press his face into feathers and hide, to put more distance between him and the comfort he knows Rue would swaddle him in.

They tease about him being the eldest by virtue of adoption order, but Casey is still so young. To have something so heavy and dark weighing down upon him... How is it that all of these boys carry such demons on their backs?]

I know it seems like such an easy trail to follow, Casey, but your inaction is not the true cause for what happened to either Leo. You must not forget the ones who did it to him. To take any of the blame away from them and put it back onto yourself is far credit more than any of them deserve. Truly dear, one mistake does not redefine an entire person.

Besides, you did not hesitate when I was in danger. I would not have lived if you had.

[Casey takes a slow, shaky breath at that, quiet for almost too long. A part of him knows that they're right. Logically, circumstances are what caused everything to happen. He was a kid, he was ambushed, he was doing his best in a world gone mad. His expectations of himself are far too high. He can't shake the feeling, though. Sensei was the greatest ninja in the world. How much stronger could he have been with two arms, without the prosthetic weighing him down? Without the chronic or ghost pains, without the mechanical issues. If sensei hadn't been carrying him to safety, could Master Raphael have survived the fight that fatally wounded him that day? Saving sensei and Casey?

There's at least a dozen ways he could respond to that with, but the one that sneaks out, ultimately, is,]

He keeps getting hurt... because of me. I don't know why he doesn't...

[Resent him? Hate him? Stop saving him? Want to not be around him anymore? Change anything about how he acts around Casey? He's happy, of course - he doesn't ever want to be disliked by Leo - but the apparent lack of it feels so unearned.]

[A gentle, thoughtful hum on the other end of the relic. On some level, Rue understands where Casey's fears and hurts are coming from. His feelings are not completely unfounded, after all. To hurt someone he so dearly loves, not just once, but twice, even indirectly, the guilt must be so immense.]

I can not speak for Leo, of course, but in my experience of knowing him, I believe he would not only forgive you, but that he'd say you are putting undo pressure upon yourself. Mistakes happen - even ones as terrible as the one Leo has been through - but your intention was never to hurt him. You have only ever tried to do your very best. And both Leo and I know that.

[And because it should be asked,]

Have you spoken to him since, dearest?

[There's a third time that Rue isn't thinking of- all the damage done to Leo in the prison dimension was because of Casey's decision. And still, there's no blame, no resentment. Leo had dismissed it when he'd tried to take the blame. Said he helped save the world. And here...]

...We talked. He said we were even... he saved me, and I saved him. That he's glad I was safe. He never blamed me.

[In other words, exactly what Rue might have imagined Leo would say. It's what he'd have expected Leo to say. So why doesn't this feeling go away?]

[Rue would blame Casey for what happened to Leo in that hellish place as much as they would blame Leo for feeling the need to make the decision he did. Those were not normal decisions that had to be made. They were terrible circumstances where the literal fate of the world rested upon their young shoulders.

In the end, the decisions saved so many, so they must have been as correct as they could have been.]

But you do not feel any relief?

[He exhales a heavy breath.]

Sort of? Maybe. Not really. [This is hard.] Even if it was one-hundred-percent definitely my fault, I don't think he'd... hate me.

[Leo isn't generally a hateful person. He can hold a hell of a grudge, but that's different.]

No one else blames me. But I blame myself.

[It's a very mature way of thinking for his age, honestly, to not mistake his own feelings for anyone else's. It would be so easy to feel that guilt inside of him and assume it's true source was from Leo or one of the others, but Casey can handle that it is his own perceived wrongdoing that is bothering him.]

My next question is not meant to be condescending, I truly mean it with all sincerity.

How would you have done things differently, now that you are able to look back now?

[Oof. Asking the real questions.]

I... don't know. I'd have tried harder not to get separated from Hunter- if I hadn't been alone, Leo wouldn't have had to save me. Or if I was stronger, or faster, or had trained harder, I might not have gotten myself shot. What if I'm slacking off too much here? Caring about things that shouldn't matter...

[Time spent fussing over his hair or doing his nails or watching movies when he could have been training. Could that added skill save a life? Or a limb? What if all his playing around is screwing up the futures of him and people he cares about?]

[Rue hums above him, thoughtful as they take in Casey's answer. There are just simply too many 'what-ifs' to consider, so many ways Leo or Casey might have been able to circumvent the horror they were subjected to.

But above all, the true culprit remains unchanged, and as bad as the outcome was, Rue can think of some that could have been even worse.]

I think the one thing we can take away from this is that there will always be facets of the future we are unable to predict or plan for. But darling, there is still a way to stay safe while allowing yourself the space to live in this wonderful world we've been given. I would never ask that you stop training, I've learned that sparring can be a good tool to keep your body and mind sharp, but we can find the balance to train and still paint our nails, don't you think?

And though I know you and Leo are very physically capable young men, there are still limits to what mortal bodies can do. It is neither of your faults when going against opponents with a millennia of combat experience, when their senses are just sharper naturally due to the magic that fuels them. You should give yourself some grace.

[Another heavy silence, as Casey swallows hard around the lump in his throat, tries to suck back the tears he knows are coming again. His conflict is undeniable: he loves this new life, the peace and quiet and freedom that comes with it. He wants that balance, to go back to how things were. And he's trying, he really is. There's just no helping that feeling of selfishness, when he does things for himself again. School he can excuse as being useful for his training. New understanding of tech means better gear and faster repairs. Learning tidbits of magic with Hunter (what little he's capable of) means gaining power. Training means getting stronger and tougher. Even learning how to be an owlbear with Rue would be helpful in the future, knowing how to utilize this new weapon.

Nails and hair are just... aesthetic, though. That won't save anyone.]

....Sometimes bad things happen, huh...? [It's a similar sentiment, and one he's heard before. It's a hard pill to swallow.] I hate that. It's so- helpless. At least if it's my fault, it's something I can try to fix...

[Sometimes it's easier to take the blame onto his shoulders than accept that the cruelty of life is inevitable.]

[Nails and hair and birthday parties and Halloween costumes and movie marathons late into the night... None of them bring any value to survival, but there is something to be said about how they strengthen the heart and the bonds between each of them. There's still power to be found in the quiet moments, and sometimes you need to be reminded how beautiful and peaceful the world can be, to find the strength to fight for it in the darker moments.]

I know, darling. It feels helpless and senseless and wildly unfair. But I have no doubt that we will all make it through today, just as we have every single day that passed before it. And I vow to you, that anytime you need my strength to push through, it is yours.

[None of it is fair. But at least none of them must face this alone. Never again.]

The best thing we can do for Leo is to support him through these next few months. Blaming ourselves or wondering what we could have done differently will just keep us pulling him back into the past.

Yeah... I... I'll work on it. I know it isn't something I should bring up with him again. He'd probably scold me anyway.

[He'd still been awfully out of it last time, but the conversation attempt had only caused him distress. Casey has zero desire to let his own guilt complex hurt those around him, especially not Leo, who'd suffered enough. It's fine, he can carry this on his own. The memory is new, and it burns in his heart, too much awful regained in too short a span of time, with too much else happening at the same time. It's... a lot of too much, which sounds silly, but that's still how it feels.

Burying it isn't... great, either, but... if this is something he needs to actively work on, there's no sense in spreading it around, either. He's being childish, this is stupid, and Rue's advice makes a lot of sense. He should let it go.]

...I'm sorry. You came here with good news. Um- so, he was able to decide finally? Did something change his mind, or did he just need some time?

My celebrations can come at any time, little one. I do not mind putting them aside just to speak with you about this instead. Your feelings are just as important to me.

[And the very last thing Rue needs to worry about is any of their kids closing up again after this trauma. They've all made such progress.]

Knowing Leo, he might playfully scold you, but Casey, if you feel that you need to speak with him further on the subject, I have no doubt in my heart that Leo will listen to your every worry.

[a gentle emphasizing pause, before Rue adds,]

But we need to allow him space to grieve what he has been through first. Leo has been deeply hurt, and we both know I do not mean the wound that I sealed up for him. He will come out of this stronger than before, but right now, we need to give him the grace to be as furious and upset as he has every right to be.

Until we feel that he is ready to talk more deeply on what happened, you can speak to me about it as much as you need. I may not have an answer for every question, but I will hear every word you speak and every concern that grips your heart. You do not need to face this alone. I am always here and willing.

[rue noooo he was trying to move things along and derail this disaster of a conversation, he's falling down the metaphorical stairs here-

He's silent for a while on the other end, mulling over their words, since that was... a lot... literally and figuratively. He understands what they're saying, and their concerns are valid. He's seen what happens when terrible things are buried for too long, and he has no desire to be on the receiving end of an intervention like Leo. It hadn't gone great. He's not sure if he'd be any better.]

I wasn't gonna ask him.

[He already hadn't planned to, but it feels worth reiterating. Rue's right, Leo doesn't need to be dealing with his personal problems right now. It's the same with Hunter- he's dealing with so much on his own already. But isn't Rue the same? They were hurt terribly, wounded by another Star Child, someone who should be a neighbour or a friend. Hunted by fae, their own distant kind. Peter might have died. Donnie killed someone. Raph's weighed down by not being there to protect everyone when it's all he ever wants to do. Everyone's endured so much. They're not obligated to listen to him whine or gripe or cry about something that happened a decade ago, nor what happened last month.

He's doing okay. He can work through it, compartmentalize and take it apart piece by piece gradually if the need arises later. Do what he's always done. It's not so hard, and he's gotten very good at it over the years. He can wait.]

It's... not that I'm hiding it, or trying to deal with it alone. [Not exactly. Not forever.] I just... don't know what else to say.

[Just as always, even if it's a touch harder from a distance, Rue gives Casey all of the space and time he needs to process out all that's been said. Their patience is the very smallest thing they can give him right now in this moment, but the owlbear has patience in spades.

And honestly, the answer that they get is about what they expected. It's fair, and more importantly, it's honest. That's all they could ever ask from him.]

That is alright, Casey. You know that the moment those words do come to you, your family is here to listen. You need only say the word and I would be there.

...I know. I'm-

[Sorry, but Rue probably doesn't want to hear more apologies. Like they said, now and before, his feelings are important. He should feel them, and share them, as much as he needs. He just wishes that right now he didn't have so many, and that they weren't so much.]

...I'm glad I called you.

[Better, and still truthful. He's not sure if this conversation has helped right now, but he thinks it might later. He just has to mull over it for a while, see if it makes a real dent in what he's been feeling. At the very least he does feel better, having spoken with Rue. They always make him feel better in some way.]

[Even under these circumstances, there's no hiding the happiness that curls at Rue's tone on the other end of the line.]

I am so glad you did too. I love you.

[They aren't worried for Casey in the same way they are for Peter or Leo. Rue knows he will reach out if he needs them without the fear of being a bother.]

I love you, too. Congrats again about Leo, um... goodnight, Mom.

[Then he'll let them go. He has some thinking to do- or at least, avoiding for a while, until the time for thinking comes later.]

[Rue lets him go, but about five minutes later, Casey does get one last quick text.]

🎷🐢
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We are all so talented. :)

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