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[Not a regret, but a wish. That's Leo talk for 'regret'. What he wouldn't give now to hear Splinter yelling at him or telling some long winded story that he could pretend to not care about while hanging on his every word.

The punch to the arm lands, glancing a bit as he jumps away. Good. Casey's going on the offensive.]

...I kinda get it. Kinda wish I could hear some of his stories now.

[Casey chases him, recognizing and taking advantage of the switch. He knows better than to do it for too long (sensei did this to him once, had him chase all the way around the dojo six times before he about passed out and sensei won without a scratch or a swing) but it's becoming obvious that the point of this is not the spar, and he'll follow his role a while.]

...What would you say, if he was here?

[An old question, maybe, but Leo won't know that.]

I-

[Hold on, he's going to come in low for a leg sweep, try to get Casey off balance. Leo slides past him quick, aiming for that left leg of his to take out. He ends up on Casey's other side, balancing himself with fingertips of both hands on the round to assess his next move.]

I dunno. I miss him? That I'm sorry?

[The leg sweep gets him, but as Casey drops he leans hard into it, catching himself and bracing his weight, kicking the other foot out to try and either knock Leo back or force a retreating dodge while he recovers. He's too vulnerable on the ground. "Get back on your feet, Case, or they swarm you. One more time."

He grits his teeth, rolling. He can do better.]

Sorry for what?

[Leo is at least a good sport and waits for Casey to get back to his feet.

But god. What a question. What isn't he sorry for? So much over the last year. When's the last time he got to hear Splinter drone on about a Lou Jitsu set story? Hear Mikey laugh at his brothers doing something stupid? He wishes he could hear April beg to have a normal day.

He hasn't gotten up from his stands half crouched, instead Leo lowers his head a little.]

Everything.

[Casey is back to his feet quickly, but at Leo's answer, he doesn't close the distance to continue the spar. Suddenly nothing is as important as that kind of confession.]

Leo... [Everything? What does that even mean? He watches Leo, expression pleading for more.] I don't understand.

[He said that out loud, didn't he?

Can't take it back. Not from Casey. He deserves better after everything.]

...Your sensei. Did any of them ever tell you how the invasion started? Not that thing about Metro Tower, I mean how it really happened?

Edited (my punctuation didn't go through... rip) 2023-11-04 15:26 (UTC)

[Casey's brows furrow. It was never sensei who told that story. He was hardly ever around when the adults began their dramatic retelling. Either they didn't talk about it around him or he made himself scarce. He never thought twice about it- decades into the apocalypse, who would need to hear the story over and over? (Besides the next generation, apparently. They really did tell that to kids.) Anyway, he already knew how it happened. How else could he have told Casey what to look for?

(Even though he didn't. He said to find it, not the where or the when or the how. They hadn't exactly had time for specifics, with a Titan looming over them and Krang hounds converging. He handed him a sketch and a blank canvas, thrust into a world he'd known nothing about. It was the turtles who knew where it was. The turtles who'd all been angry at Leo-

"This time we do it together-")]

He didn't. I knew he- he blamed himself. He didn't tell me why.

["I had it."]

You were right. Back in the subway. I was arrogant, and I didn't listen. Because it was my fault. Because of me, all of it happened.

[That was the crux of it. If he'd stopped trying to goad Raph into taking leadership back, if he hadn't kept trying to be a show off and prove something, maybe he would've listened better. He did hear Raph say he had the key. He just chose to ignore it and then play dumb later.]

[Casey opens his mouth. Closes it. Takes a hesitant step forward, as the wheels are spinning.

"Because of me."]

You lost the Key, [he whispers, and it's like dozens of puzzle pieces are slamming into place. Sensei's self-blaming. How much responsibility he'd shouldered. How weary he looked all the time. How sometimes he'd look at Casey and seem guilty, how often he'd say how he'd win the world back for him, as if that world hadn't been sensei's first, as if he hadn't been the one who lost everything.

No one else blamed him. But he-]

You lost it, [he says again, quieter, and drops to his knees. He needs a moment. His whole life's perspective has been shaken to the core. Everything- he shouldered everything- that empty world full of bones and ghosts and people living half-lives underground, he-]

[Unfortunately, the truth is bad. The truth is his sensei is a colossal fuckup that cost the entire world. And Leo here, half-sprawled on the grass, is well aware of it. It was his fault from the start. And maybe there was some tiny whispered part of him (guilt) that rationed that his life for the world maybe was worth it. Leo doesn't know if his brothers really made that big picture connection with Casey's apocalypse and his single selfish action yet like he had. But Leo couldn't stop thinking about it.]

...I haven't seen dad, or Mikey or April in a year now. And- And I dunno if I can face them. We saved our timeline but...

[Casey is quiet for a little bit, parsing this new information, still struggling to slot it into the story he'd always known. His sensei was larger than life, always, both in figure and presence. He'd been grown since Casey's earliest memory, and he'd had difficulty at times reconciling the sensei he knew with the much smaller, immature, reckless teenager from the past. How could this ever be sensei, he'd thought in the subway tunnel, infuriated by Leo's complete failure to lead the team effectively. "This is not about you," Master Splinter had told him, and he'd ignored it entirely. A lesson he should have heeded.

"This isn't about me," sensei had told him, twenty-four years later, right before he died sending Casey into the past. "It's our only chance."

"This is the only way," Leo told him, right before pleading with him to lock him away in another dimension with a mass-murdering monster.

Something twists inside Casey, like a torn muscle, sharp and aching. He wasn't always sensei. When the apocalypse started in Casey's timeline he was this age, young and inexperienced and arrogant and wild. Sensei had carried this weight for decades, learned to manage it. Understood his role but worked to make things better. He could still find the strength to fight, to smile, to love. Even until the end. It didn't... define who he was.

Casey takes a slow, shuddering breath.]

Haven't you done enough? [he manages to choke out, his voice tremulous.] You... you saved your timeline. You stopped the Krang. You destroyed their ship. You led us the way sensei would. You almost died... [He swallows hard.] Isn't that enough?

[His sensei had twenty-four years to sort it out. Twenty-four years to deal with the reality, compartmentalize the guilt and turn it to something productive. Twenty-four years to talk with his brothers and learn what was more important: placing blame or helping everyone survive and fight.

Leo, here and now, is so small. And still so young and inexperienced, but he's still dealing with the reality of his decisions nearly getting everyone killed in a single day. So many humans died in those twelve hours. Human lives that Leo could have prevented if he hadn't been so far up his own ass to prove something.

His fists grip at the grass in his hand, nearly pulling it up but stops and lets it go.]

...Is it? [If it was enough, then he'd stop having nightmares about it. Of being in that dimension stuck, or of watching his family be overtaken by pink pulsating flesh, or that he's the one being taken over and brought back by him family only to rip them and the world apart by his own pink clawed hands-

He shudders a breath and looks up at Casey. This boy they all laughed at when he brought them a warning and tried to help. How long had he been wandering the city looking for them? Had he gotten there before the Key was stolen and could have stopped it from ever getting to the Foot? How much time had been wasted?]

...I haven't done enough.

[Casey winces under his scrutiny, meeting Leo's gaze as long as he can before shifting his eyes away, uncomfortably aware of how important his next words could be. He came from the worst timeline. He grew up in the hellscape that Leo, that sensei must have thought that he created. A world where millions, billions had died. If sensei had been carrying that the whole time, he was even stronger a person than Casey had ever known.

At the same time...]

It's not your fault, [is finally what he settles on. A weak answer, perhaps, at first, but his voice grows stronger as he speaks, more resolute.] Just because you didn't stop it doesn't mean you caused it. The Foot Clan opened the portal. The Krang killed people. That's how sensei saw it. That's... how I see it.

[It might have taken him a long time, but that was the explanation Casey had been given. It hadn't been, find me in the past and stop me from losing the Key, it hadn't been tell past-me I destroy the world and kick my ass back in line, it was a group of other people opened the door and brought in the apocalypse. He may have blamed himself, but he didn't take responsibility for the entire end of the world. And perhaps as a kindness he'd tried to spare his past self the weight of all he'd been carrying.

Tried, being the keyword. But Casey wants to believe. That's not a weight that someone should ever have to carry. Not when he didn't open that door. Not when he gave everything to close it.]

[So many people died. Leo can't stop thinking about it. He wonders if there was a Peter Parker in their own version of Manhattan that never became Spider-Man. Had he died too? Peter's dead in his own timeline and it's all Leo can think about now.

He almost lost Raph. Dad got hurt and could have died. According to Casey everyone was going to die in the fight anyway. It was all his fault.

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Metal and bone crushing in his ears, the angry roar of a warlord bending all his focus to one small turtle who'd stopped his reign of terror. Krang Prime may have been an asshole, but he was right about one thing. Leo did ruin everything. And he keeps doing it here too.

"Best version of himself". That's what Thirteen had said. What a joke. Still can't give Rue an answer because he doesn't want to ruin them. Scared to be more honest with Peter because Peter wouldn't want to stay with such a horrific fuckup that caused so many deaths. Scared to have a serious conversation with Raph about what happened because they have this tenuous peace between them now. He'd fought with Donnie for months since the situation at ADI blew up in their faces and now they're figuring things out again.

How can Casey be this positive? How can Casey have this much faith?]

Your sensei was a better turtle than I'll ever be.

[Casey had been staying where he is in part because it's where he fell, but also in part because he'd wondered if Leo wanted space to sort through his feelings, if it wasn't his place to reach out. He's not sure why he's here, why Leo had chosen him. He's not one of the brothers. He barely feels like he could be called family. They hardly know him, surely he's not earned the right.

Except... for all the times that Leo had reached out. For all the times Leo had draped an arm around him and welcomed his presence. For all the times Leo had helped him navigate a world completely alien from the realm of empty death he'd always known. When he was no one, a newcomer, almost an unknown. Some random kid who fell into their laps and shoved them face-first into the worst day of their lives. Who closed the portal, leaving him to die. And Leo still seems to like him. Still cares about him like he deserves it, despite... that.

"I'm... Hamato," he'd told Rue. Finally mustered the strength to believe it, to believe in sensei's words all those years ago. "You're one of us."

u may be a jones but ur a hamato too

Pushing against the ground, he rises to his feet. Takes a few strides to close the distance, and drops back down in front of Leo, close enough for their knees to touch. Contact is grounding, he remembers well. That part's important. The brothers are so touchy. They'd never have hesitated to reach out.

His voice is quiet, coaxing.]

Why do you think that?

[Maybe it's the year long build up. Maybe it's the lack of sleep for the entire year up til now, maybe it's just seeing more of his family and the pressure to be on point instead of it just being him and Donnie alone. He presses his hands to his face trying to breathe. Why wasn't he breathing? Dying, he was dying, his chest hurts, he can't breathe, everything HURTS, he wants his dad-

The world stops existing and it's just this clearing, him, and Casey Jones Junior staring at him, trying to talk to him like he's a normal fucking person and not the almost-harbinger of the apocalypse. Like he didn't get countless people killed. Like he didn't almost lose his family.

"Casey, I dunno if u know this but Im kinda a huge jerk most of the time."]

He raised a good guy like you.

[Casey goes still as a statue, staring at Leo with wide eyes. His heart is pounding so fast now. His hand lifts, drops. Curls tightly in the fabric of his pants.]

...You... knew?

[And here he thought he'd been so careful.]

[Casey was careful. Leo's just too good at reading people. And he'd be blind to miss his own influence on Casey.]

For a while, yeah. But you didn't say anything, so I figured you didn't wanna talk about it.

[....

Casey bows his head, feeling foolish, suddenly. Of course Leo would know. He's more intelligent and observant than anyone gives him credit for, mostly because he's so good at hiding it.

He lifts his hand again, this time to tug the mask off his head, drawing it down to rest in his lap. Of course it was Leo. Of course he'd have recognized it. He's covered in the clues: the slider marks, the blue motif, the way he practically worships the ground sensei might've walked on. The childhood stories he'd shared. The fact that he became a slider with a brooch didn't help.

He's an idiot.]

...I didn't want to tell you, [he admits at last.] It... didn't feel right. You were already dealing with so much, and... what would be the point? What if I made things worse? You're almost my age. You didn't live his life. You couldn't be my- [He falters, still wrestling with it, the word feeling like an imposter in his vocabulary. But Rue's support gives him courage. He is your-] ...my dad.

Casey, I promise you couldn't make things any worse than I do.

[Breathe. Casey needs this. It isn't about me. Leo takes a steadying breath and looks up at him; Casey was a few inches taller.]

But I meant what I said. I know he'd be real proud of you. And I still am too. You did everything right.

[The words feel so viscerally wrong to Casey, he's left reeling for a moment. "Worse than I do"? "Everything right"? It feels like a joke. If this conversation wasn't so uncomfortably serious he'd have said as much.]

How can you say that? I closed the portal. I locked you in there with him. Why... how is that anything to be proud of...? How could that ever be right...?

[It was an act that helped save the world and he feels nothing but monstrous for doing it. His own family.]

You helped save our world, Casey. You-

[If it was any other situation, if it had been Leo looking from the outside at it happening to someone else, maybe he wouldn't have the same thoughts. Maybe he wouldn't think, "Of course this had to happen this way, it's the only way it can work". Maybe he'd think it was a monstrous thing to do as well.]

Your sensei asked you to help save us. You did.

[Casey looks down at his hands, feeling- a lot, actually. Miserable. Numb. Anxious. Very, very worried. This still feels too wrong. Leo didn't even acknowledge the part about him- like it didn't even register. Like it wasn't a horrible thing to have done to him.]

...Leo... did you... [no. not past.] Do you think it was your punishment? For how it all started?

[That may be, by far, the most unfair question yet. No one is supposed to read him that well. He's been trying to compartmentalize and handle his trauma on his own, not freak everyone out around him with how sometimes the sound of metal clanging against metal sets his nerves on edge, how he chose Satori Hills to live in instead of close to Rue because the sound of wild animals growling has his blood run cold.

It didn't register because the minute Leo saw his brothers be punched out of the sky, he did the cost-benefit analysis in a matter of seconds. He'd had back up plans and contingencies and having to send Raph to save them was the only way that could happen and still leave one of them capable of stopping Krang. He'd known that very moment what was going to happen. He'd made peace with it.]

Donnie kept saying... I should have left. Ignored the world and gone with Raph to save them from that. That I should've ignored what was going to happen if I hadn't stayed. And all I could think about was how we wouldn't have gotten any other chance to get that close. That was the only chance we'd ever get.

[If they'd left Krang up there, then he would have built his forces more. Killed more people, turned more of them into a hivemind of mindless flesh and death. No, when it was just him alone, that was the only chance they had to avoid more casualties.]

So I.. i don't know. I don't know if the last year was punishment.

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