Casey Jones Jr. (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
apuckalypse) wrote2033-08-06 01:36 am
apuckalypse) wrote2033-08-06 01:36 am
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Dec 3rd
I can hardly believe it has been so long since our last written correspondence. But with the month we have had, I can hardly blame us!
It is such a strange feeling to go back to how things were. Almost surreal, I suppose, to be sitting in my home and know I can stroll right back down to the market as if we were not just fighting for our lives a week ago. But there is peace within me as well, the promise that no matter how difficult the trials of this land can be, we can always expect them to end. We never were given such relief back at ADI, so that feels like quite the blessing here.
Forgive me for the length of this letter, my next one will be filled with much more substance. Today I am just feeling contemplative.
The one thing that I am certain of, that remains unchanged no matter what trial we are facing, is that I love you endlessly, my son. I feel our bond has only strengthened as of late, to the point where I know nothing could ever tear us apart. You are mine as much as any owlbear cub could ever be. No one can change that.
Yours always,
Mom ♡
Dec 5th
Dear Mom,
It's been so long I forgot what we were talking about, even. It's okay, though. I think it's just nice to send letters again. Even if I see you all the time in person, it's weirdly relaxing to check the mail and find something from you there. The break was needed for sure, with all that was happening, but it's great to go back to normal, too.
I know how you feel about the lack of relief. The war never ended back home, even when there were lulls they could disappear at any time, and they never lasted long. The trial shook me up for sure, but it's nothing compared to how life used to be. Perspective counts for a lot, even if none of us deserve the old life or the trials. (It IS worth it, though. I haven't forgotten that.)
And maybe I'm a LITTLE grateful for it. Just a little. I'm not sure if or when I might've unlocked the owlbear familiar if not for the trial. Maybe my full potential is to get stronger or something. Either way, thank you for everything. I wouldn't be as I am now if it wasn't for you.
Love you,
Casey
Dec 9th
I could not agree more! More than anything, it finally feels that things are back to normal now that we are once again writing one another. I did not even realize how much I was missing it until I was sitting down with my paper and ink and addressing an envelope with your address again. Let us hope nothing else puts these letters on hold for some time.
(That is a plea, Thirteen! All of us are most desperate for a break!)
Even after seeing it with my own eyes, I can still barely believe you have an owlbear form now. There just are no words to put to paper that could explain just how deeply that means to me. To be the same as you, for even just a moment, that will be a memory I carry on for the rest of my life. The way you trilled and chirped and the softness of your feathers - I must stop myself or I will never end this! But all of that to say that I love you so endlessly, my little cub, and my promise remains true: If you should ever like to explore more with that form, I am more than happy to oblige.
But truly, seeing your sweet human face will always be enough for me.
I can not wait to see you in the shop after school soon! Please bring Hunter and any other little friends you make.
Affectionately yours,
Rue ♡
Dec 14
I'll be saying it, too! Please, Thirteen, give us a break. You can push us towards our full potential or whatever at a more leisurely pace, maybe.
I know I told you already, but I do want to say again that I'm glad you like me being an owlbear for a little bit. I think if things had been less hectic I might have worried if I was infringing on something, I don't know. It's silly in retrospect. There wasn't even time to think about it, my instincts just told me to be huge and powerful and that's what I became. I had no idea I could change my size like that, though. I wonder if there are other things I could turn into. Maybe something more useful than a pangolin?
As for exploring it more, I'm all in. Is there maybe a day when you'll be at home instead of the shop, and I could stop by while you're free? Or maybe after you close up one day, we can take a walk and find a quiet place in the woods to practice. I don't think that beautiful store is a good place for a new owlbear to learn how to walk or use his claws :) I'll text you later, we can pick a day.
I'll let Hunter know and we can swing by after school a lot. We'll be together already so it wouldn't be any extra effort to go to the store after instead of going right home. We'll bring you snacks from the food carts too. Maybe Toph can come as well? She was thinking of going to the tech school too.
Love you love you,
-Casey <3
Dec 17th
Casey my darling,
Trust me, little cub. You being an owlbear feels so extraordinarily special to me. A connection beyond even the one we already have. The chance to be the exact same, even if but for a moment, I feel as if we've reached an entirely new level of understanding of one another. And while I've never heard of any familiar form changing size, it does not surprise me that if anyone was to discover it, it would be you.
I love you endlessly and always. I must sound like a broken record at times, but I must say it or surely it will burst from me.
Truly, I so look forward to our Owlbear Training Sessions! It is no surprise that I have a great deal of practice living as an owlbear, but it will be quite fascinating to see what I managed to learn naturally and what was amplified by the fae magic that I was awakened by. Not to turn our sessions into research, but the results will be most interesting to see laid out in front of us.
Please! Invite Toph and any other friends the two of you make. I want all of you to feel welcome to come in at any time. What's mine is always yours. And you must spread the word of our holiday party coming up next week! A chance to celebrate as many holiday traditions possible with all of our friends and family.
Stay especially warm during these cold months! Whatever you are lacking in clothing, just let me know. I will not let any of my sons freeze before the spring returns.
And I love you, my perfectly brilliant boy,
Rue ♡
Dec 21st
Dear Mom,
Well as you can see I took you up on your offer. I hope our lesson went well. If it didn't, I hope you enjoyed the defeated cuddles. :) Either way, we'll get there.
I don't mind if the lessons are research. I'm learning from it too, after all. Make me your test subject! But you can't take blood samples, leave that in Donnie's corner.
Here are some things I did learn this week: one, I can understand Flapjack a little bit now! Hunter says that happens sometimes, if you're around a palisman enough. And two, I understand him a LOT better when I'm an owlbear. He thinks it's because we're both birds. He also thinks it's funny the way I talk as an owlbear, so maybe the noises I make aren't so coherent. Maybe I need to learn how to talk both ways… I have a lot to learn.
I'll tell lots of people about the party! It sounds amazing. Your parties are always great. I'll have to think of a holiday tradition to share, though. We never celebrated much but there were a few things I could say. There is one in particular, but I would need you or Hunter to help. It's a magic thing.
I'm well stocked for winter gear now, thank you! Maybe a hat? I'd like to keep my ears. That's all, though! The coat I bought (I definitely bought it!) is perfect.
Mom, I want to thank you again for supporting me. What happened at Kuma Lisa, I could never have handled it alone. I know that healing doesn't happen overnight, and like always I have a long way to go. But I can't express enough how much better everything is with you here to help. I said it before and I still mean it, I don't need a perfect mom. A mom who loves me is more than enough. I think about your promise and it helps so much.
Thank you, I love you,
Casey <3
Dec 26th
My darling boy,
It seems a touch silly to write when so much of my time lately has been spent with you, but let me get back on track with these letters.
I apologize if our lessons were maybe not entirely the most productive lessons possible, but I appreciate you listening to the worries of my heart while also giving me the space to process some startling new emotions. I still don't quite know how I feel about all of that mess, but I know how grateful I am that I was able to explore it with you by my side. I'm not entirely certain how it might have gone with someone else, or worse, if I had been alone.
Either way, I promise your next lesson will be much more fruitful. And trust me, I will not go easy on you. :)
Tell Flapjack to be kind my son or I will polymorph him into a tree frog. You are learning to speak in an entirely different language, which is already more than he can do! Some grace would be kind. I think you've done a fantastic job so far and you are only getting better.
If it is magic, you know I am happy to assist however I am able. You only need to say the word and it will be yours. Speaking of, are you still enjoying that enchanted jacket from my shop? The smell is still just as strong, isn't? The effect should be permanent, but yours was the very first one I ever did like that, so I only wanted to check in and see what I could improve upon.
[Rue's letters are normally very precise and perfect, not a letter or comma out of place, no uncertainty in their voice. But there's a freshness in the shine of the ink that suggests Rue magically erased this last section and rewrote it later.]
I can not thank you enough for trusting me, even if in that moment we were not given much of a choice. Please come to me with anything you ever need, Casey. You know there are no judgements between us, no details needed, no excuses to be made. I will accept you exactly as you are, just as you do for me. I only ever want your happiness, so to know I was able to help means everything to me. I love you endlessly and always.
Yours Forever,
Mom ♡
Dec 31
It's strange to think of this as the end of the year. (I don't even know what year it is, technically. I came from 2044, went to 2020, and now in this world it's a mystery. I guess I'll just call it Year 2 for those of us who started a new life here, does that make sense? Anyway.)
You know I'm always happy to listen to you, whatever it is. I feel honoured to hear it, actually. I feel very trusted. I know you would say it's a mother's duty to help their children in times of need or something like that, but I'm still glad for the chance to give back a little. You deserve to have a listening ear, too. For that you can always count on me, promise.
Bring your worst next time, though :)
Oh, I don't mean to get poor Flapjack in trouble. He's very supportive! But it is a little funny, so I don't blame him for laughing. It's a good natured kind of laugh. Can you really turn him into a frog though?
I forgot to mention it at the party but the strung magic lights were the one thing we were able to do sometimes in the future for Christmas. Master Michelangelo did it. So you had it done without me saying anything! It was perfect. The jacket is also perfect, and the smell hasn't gone away at all. I wear it almost every day, thank you.
[He has to really debate on the last section. There's a few dabbed ink spots where he'd tapped the paper for a while.]
Thank you for everything. I always know where to go when I need help. I wish it didn't happen as often as it did, that I could come visit you for only good things all the time. I know I'm going to keep on needing help over and over. I wish that
I wasn'tI couldyou weren'tI didn't have to ask so much of you. Even if you don't think it's a burden, and even if I know I need it. It's still a bummer sometimes. So! I hope this coming year I'll be much stronger, and we can have more fun and fewer tears.Love you, and thank you,
Casey
Jan 3rd
[Rue has added a few illusions of exploding fireworks against this parchment, fully soundless, just little explosions of ink along the top of the letter.]
To my darling youngest son,
What a year that has passed us by! I can hardly believe how quickly it has gone, but my heart is so very full at the idea that we shall enter this new one together, as a family.
It is so strange to think that this time last year, I was trapped in that awful place back in Massachusetts, with my Knickolas at my side, but otherwise absolutely alone. I was newly arrived and terrified, already so uncertain of my place back in the Feywild and now I had find a fit into another realm entirely! And the sudden pressure to use all of this new technology! It so often made my head spin!
There are not many reasons to bring up that sad place anymore, not when the four of us have been so lucky to leave it behind completely, but I will say only this: Those first few and the last final months there, I so often felt crushingly alone. Made to feel Othered and so frequently left behind. It was very difficult. I do not completely know how I made it through some of those wretched days.
But knowing now of the utter happiness that would take over my life, I would have suffered through that place a million times over if it meant I would end up here with all of you. I promise, this missive is not meant to be disheartening, I'm only trying to convey the full joy that you all make me feel. To think that I could go from my darkest place to this pure bliss, I never knew it was possible to be so happy.
Thank you.
Forgive me my tangent. I am feeling so contemplative with the turn of the new year.
As for Flapjack, do not doubt in my ability. I could absolutely turn him (or even you) into a frog or any other small animal at any moment. No one shall be rude to my son though, so tell him to behave or else.
Oh yes, the magic lights! I will keep that in mind for next year. Though Hunter and I had fun decorating the shop and Hob and I enjoyed fixing up the cottage, perhaps next year all of us can hang lights and decorate the tree together. (As long as I am allowed to have a tree up in my home next year. ;) )
Let me only say that tears are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. I know I have said in the past that feeling is a gift, and to feel so strongly about something you cry, means that your connection to that thing or person or event is just that impossibly strong to evoke such an equally strong emotion out of you.
So do not worry if you cry as much as you did in the previous year, darling - to be quite honest, I imagine I likely will too - because as long as we have one another, whatever tears we shed won't last for very long. I promise there will be more smiles and laughs right behind them. Last year, we spent a very great deal of time giving grace to others. I think this year, we should focus on allowing ourselves a little grace too.
Be extra kind to my Casey this year. I won't stand for anyone being hard on him, even himself.
You are my brightest joy always,
Mom ♡
Jan 7
Looking back to last year is strange for me too. A year ago things at home were getting worse and worse. The resistance was losing people and resources too quickly. The Krang were more aggressive, I think they could tell we were weak. Sensei was determined as ever but with how he talked to Master Michelangelo, we could tell things were getting desperate. Sometimes I had dreams about how it was going to end for us. Would I die? Would I end up a Krang zombie? In the morning I'd think, hope! Always hope! Don't give up! But it got harder and harder. I never for a second imagined I'd end up where I am now. Growing up, having a whole new family, being safe, I didn't think it was possible.
I don't think it's disheartening to reflect on the bad stuff that happened. Maybe that doesn't mean as much coming from me (because sometimes I make it sound like I had nothing BUT bad stuff in the past) but I really believe it! I think it makes us who we are. Maybe if you hadn't felt like you didn't belong in the other America, you wouldn't feel as strongly about being accepted here. Maybe if I hadn't been scared of the future back home, I wouldn't be excited to actually HAVE a future now. I don't know. I could just be desperate to find good where there isn't any. I am young and naive. But I am also a ninja (even if I'm not a very good one) so I will try to hope. Always hope!
If you need forgiveness though, I forgive you, so please forgive me too. <3
And Flapjack is a perfect angel, he's done no wrong, let's not talk about frog spells anymore. I want to stay on his good side! For Hunter's sake. He's been nothing but kind to me.
Yes you can have a tree! Maybe I will help decorate it, even. Just show me what to do. But can we use the materials for something after? What bothered me was how they just got thrown out. You could do so much with a whole tree! I don't want to be a wasteful human :(
You make a lot of good points about crying. It's a hard thing because crying makes people uncomfortable, right? And talking about things that make us cry is also uncomfortable. We want to be good to those around us, but we want to be honest with ourselves, too. I guess a part of it is knowing your audience. I wouldn't want to cry around Donnie. But little cries with you or Hunter are safe, and I feel better after. I know it's a part of who I am. Giving grace to myself... well, it's kind of a new thing. I can try it out.
I'll do my best to be kinder to myself. Make sure to do the same to my mom, okay? :)
Love you,
Casey
Jan 12
I do not know if I've ever told you this before so plainly, but Casey, I so admire the strength of your heart. To have lived through so much, but to still remain so optimistic and hopeful and ready to support all of those around you - I have known those who have experienced a fraction of what you have who refuse to ever see even a sliver of light ahead of them.
It leaves me so proud of you, of the endlessly kind, generous, and hopeful young man you are growing up to be. When I am around you, the pain of the past never feels quite so heavy. You make the world better for everyone around you, just by being yourself.
You are forgiven. Always. I think after all we've been through and all we've made ourselves carry, we deserve a chance for a little forgiveness.
Oh, Casey! How gracious of you to allow me to have a tree. ;) (I am kidding, of course, but I know that is more difficult to translate in writing versus teasing in person.) Looking back, I don't know if I've ever experienced a winter holiday quite like the one we spent together. It is perhaps my new favorite memory of the whole family in this realm, all of you in your pajamas in my living room, sipping cocoa and watching every conversation get derailed into a new exciting tangent. Just thinking back upon it, my heart feels so full. Thank you so much for being a part of it.
As for the tree after, my Hob has taken to building as of late. I think he'll very much like to use the wood for woodworking, if that is acceptable fate. Speaking of, if there is anything you need in your apartment, you should ask him to make it. It'll be good practice for him, something to keep busy while I'm out at the shop most days.
Truth be told, giving grace to myself is not always my strongest talent either, but I will do my best, knowing that we are working on it together.
One last thing, if I may: Hob and I have decided remarry in April. Would you be in our wedding party? I can think of nothing that would make happier than to have you there by my side that day.
Endlessly Yours,
Mom ♡
Feb 5
I've written and rewritten this like a dozen times now. I kept trying to think of how to go back to normal after everything, and I think that's the problem. I'm not ready to go back to normal. So I'm just going to write and do my best.
I'm sure it's no surprise that I've been thinking a lot about what happened in the institute. Going back to my world and that last day got me back into that mindset. More than that, those other versions of myself in the dreams kind of scared me. One you didn't meet was so angry at everything. Master Draxum called it my "pain and anger, roaming with no outlet". That I should shed more light on them if I don't like how they look. And I don't, so… maybe I need to work on that. Maybe I'm a lot less okay than I thought I was. Or I've gotten less okay the more time passes between then and now, instead of getting better. That's scary, too. That's not how it's supposed to go.
Hunter thinks I might have something called "survivor's guilt", so I'm trying to read about that. Feeling guilty for being alive instead of someone else, thinking there was something else I could have done, reliving it over and over- that was my whole mindscape. I don't know what to do with it yet, but it probably helps, being able to call it something. It was just a big mess of feelings before.
I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you. I just wanted you to know, if I'm not really myself sometimes, going forward, it's because of all this. I'm going to try feeling all my feelings more honestly. But please tell me if I act like a jerk. I don't want to do this in a way that hurts people.
I'm trying to focus on the good things, too. I learned a lot about other people. Helped some, I think. I have a Familiar bond now and it's really changed how Hunter and I talk. I got the new bird form out of it, too. And I did get a pin. So I don't have to go back there anymore. I got to see you when you were so cute and small :)
I'd like to do that thing we talked about before. Going a little wild. If you're up for it, I think it'll help. Maybe the owlbear can be my outlet.
Next letter I'm going to talk less about me. That's a rule I'm putting down! But thank you for reading all of this. About your wedding, of course I'll be part of it. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do, just say the word.
Love you always,
Casey
Feb 9th
You know that I would never speak dishonestly to you. For as long as we have known one another, deceiving you in any capacity is just simply not an option for me. I could not bear it, even if a lie can sometimes be far kinder than the truth.
I think that we must stop thinking of the Before as a normal we must return to again. To speak most plainly, what was Before is no longer attainable. You and I have been irrevocably changed and continuing to think that we can simply go back is setting the both of us up for much disappointment.
I apologize, first and foremost, if saying such a thing feels cruel, my Casey. I do not mean it cruelly, but I could not blame you for reading it that way. I hope that you can forgive me for the truth I must speak.
Recovery is not black and white. Often, there are more lows than highs, more terrible days than happy ones, more intense stretches of pain compared to the weeks when it feels easier to breathe again. You are not falling behind in your recovery or failing yourself, you are simply in a difficult stretch. And that's okay, my love. It's alright if in the aftermath of that mess you feel the weight of how much you've been repressing in the past. If you feel betrayed by the world, by us, or even by yourself, you are allowed to express that pain, to be heard even if it feels cruel to speak aloud.
None of us have come to one another unbroken by the lives we've lived. Though our trauma is different, we all still hurt and grieve. It doesn't make us less than who we are. So even now, even at what may feel to be your lowest point, you are still yourself, Casey Jones. And as your mother, I love every inch of you, both on your best days and your worst. You know that I only ever wish for you to live authentically. Feelings were meant to be felt, feel them freely, express them how you need to, and know that no matter what, I will be right by your side.
I have a friend I would like you to speak to, if you would be willing. It would require some trust and honesty from you, but I've learned that having an outlet with someone trained who is not family can be very important to healing the heart. Think on it, do not deny me this without giving it thought first. I ask because I see the value and help it could bring to you, not as a punishment.
You will do no such thing. I always wish to hear about you. What is the purpose of letters from my son if I do not get to hear all about him?
My love eternally,
Mom
PS. Such a thought still terrifies me, but I would follow you anywhere. Let me know when and where and I will be there to try being wild with you.
Feb 13th
If it's cruel, it isn't because of you. Don't need to forgive that. It does freak me out, I won't lie. The idea that we can't go back to how things were isn't new to me, but it's always been the worst case scenario in the past. It isn't the worst here, but that's kind of how it starts. Goes from bad to bad to bad and suddenly it's the worst it can be. That's scary. Irrational, yeah. But I'm feeling those feelings like you keep saying I should.
A lot of what you said makes sense, I guess. I have some thinking to do. "Betrayal" might be a good way of putting it. I got used to the peace of this world, started to depend on it because I've never felt it before. And then the fae attacks broke that, now all of this… kind of feels like the world is telling me I can't feel safe. I know that's not right (irrational again) but my instincts keep going haywire. It's hard to make that stop.
I'm really, really glad we have you, though. I don't know what I'd do without you. I know I've said it before but I mean it- knowing I'm loved makes everything a little easier. That you love me for being me, and that you're okay with who I am and how I love you. I don't know. It just helps so much. I hope you don't feel too discouraged when you can't fix what's wrong with me. Whatever you do, it does make me better.
I thought about meeting with your friend. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it, to trust and be honest with someone I don't know, especially about this stuff, but I do trust you, and if you think it'll help, then I'll try. I'll talk to them.
I know you put it in the PS but I'm moving it here because it's important. Do you not want to do the wild stuff anymore? It's okay if you don't. If you're scared you don't have to! I don't want to ask you to do anything you won't like. I bet Hob would go. Or maybe April, she seems like she was really into it when she found her familiar form. Please don't push yourself past your limits for me, I do have options.
Valentines is tomorrow... my first one ever. Thank you so much for your help with the outfits. Just like everything you make, they're wonderful. I hope you have an amazing day with Hob, you deserve it and more. (And if he messes anything up, let us know so we can bully him.)
Love you, love you,
Casey
Feb 18h
Hear me when I say I do not know who I would be today if I did not have you. I am so grateful that if we must experience all of this, that I am experiencing it with you, someone I trust with my heart completely. The world might be cruel at times, but it also led us to one another, and for that I will always believe that goodness prevails in the end.
And though I am aware you already know how I feel, Casey, I will tell you a hundred times over how loved you are. I love you more than my favorite dresses, my favorite tea, even more than the peonies that have taken over my garden. I love you more than my Hob loves his tiny waffles and more than Leo loves Jupiter Jim. I love endlessly, through every up and down and inbetween. Nothing brings me more joy than knowing I will get to remind you of that love for every single day of the rest of our lives.
Let it be said that you are not broken and neither am I. We are hurt but whole and always healing. Thank you for agreeing, my love. It is something to try, to talk to someone with experience discussing these things. If it does not work or you feel uncomfortable, I will not force you to continue, but just trying would mean the world to me. I will arrange it all.
Thank you. You know more of why such a thing frightens me, but I would like to try. I promised you and I feel there is some power to be felt in going wild while still remaining in control of myself. Just be patient with me, I am very inexperienced.
I am so glad you had such a wonderful holiday. The first of many, I promise. I hope you enjoyed your gift. :)
I love you wildly,
Mom
Feb 22nd
I've been thinking a lot about all you've said. That we have each other, that we trust each other, that good prevails even if things are hard right now. It reminds me of sensei. You remember in the dream, those were some of the last words he ever said to me? That hope is a ninja's greatest weapon. I've said it before, but seeing him again, and hearing something similar from you, really hit it home for me. I mean, obviously it's not just for ninjas. It's for all of us.
It was months ago, but I remember thinking one time when I was with you, that hope might be the greatest weapon, but love is the greatest shield. What damages us hits a little less hard when we love. All of what you said, loving this and loving me more than whatever else we have here, I agree, I feel the same. I never had much stuff growing up, but I had a lot of love. I was so lucky then. I'm lucky here.
I want to try and remember that part of my world again. I hate that so many people have seen it now, because I don't want to be pitied for how I grew up. But at the same time, it kind of makes it easier, because now they understand me better. Maybe. I don't know. Sorry, this letter is kind of rambling. What I'm trying to say is, that mindscape showed how I existed, but not how I lived. I wish it'd shown more love. It was just at the end… Sensei and Master Michelangelo loved me, so they saved me. Out of everyone, I'm the one they picked. So I should try and remember mostly that.
Just tell me where and when, for this friend of yours. Maybe I'll copy some of these thoughts down. They might make better sense of all this.
We can try being wild, okay. If you really want. Just promise you'll tell me to stop if you don't like it or it scares you.
Let's try to brighten these letters up next :) I can't believe you kept those gifts a secret so well! I didn't suspect a thing, but me and Hunter having the same matching ideas… you're amazing as ever. Thank you, I loved the gifts, and they all looked perfect together. All that said, Valentines was wonderful. The holidays were nice before but there's something kind of magical about it being one on one. I want to celebrate more and more, year after year. I want life to keep being exciting in good ways.
Love you forever,
Casey
Feb 24th
You impress me more each and every day, Casey.
I know it is not always possible to focus solely on the very best of our pasts, but taking the time to hold those special memories close is a wonderful idea. You were raised up in such boundless love, even living through the very worst of your world could never erase that. Their love has marked you forever, just the same as yours has marked them. Even now they are warmed by it, like I imagine you are whenever you think back on those most happy and loving memories of your family.
Just the same as I feel whenever I think of you calling me 'mom'. Or the first time you allowed me to hold your hand. Whatever happens, nothing will ever make me forget how I felt in those moments. Those feelings of love persist, beyond distance, beyond even death. Wherever they are now, your family still feels every bit of that love shared with you.
And please, you already know I would listen to story after story of them. You do not even need to ask. Just sit me down and start speaking. I will be enthralled in mere moments.
Thank you, dear. Even if it does not work out with him in the longterm, I imagine that he'll be able to give you tools to use on your own in the future. So thank you, for agreeing to try. I will not ask for updates, but if you would ever like to tell me about it, you know I would want to hear everything.
And I will, but sometimes we have no choice but to finally face our fears. Perhaps soon. I will think on it more.
:)
What kind of mother would I be if I ruined the surprise? I am so glad I was able to keep it from both of you and that it was such a wonderful time. There's at least a dozen more holidays to celebrate together in the future, some that even I have never heard of! Within no time at all we will be closing in on our first anniversary of arriving to this world and finding one another. Perhaps that can be a holiday all of our own, a special day for you and I to do something just for us.
I do not know what, but I imagine with the two of us planning, it shall be quite the event!
Love you forever and then some,
Mom
Feb 28th
Dear Mom,
Thank you for everything you sent before. I feel a little better, these days. There's still plenty of stressful things coming, but I'm starting to get better at managing how I feel, I think. (I guess I'll find out the next time things go wrong. But hopefully not for a very long time!)
I've been wondering... do you really think love can reach even people who are gone? It's a nice sentiment. It's kind of how Hamato ninpo works. I don't know if Leo or anyone has ever explained, but they're all connected directly to their ancestors. They can reach out through ninpo and borrow the power of those who died. Master Michelangelo could speak with them and learn from them, too. It's a very "powered by love" vibe. It would be neat if our voices reached the ones we loved like that. Or even just how we feel. I'd like to believe it, anyway.
I'll have to think of more stories. There's so many I never know where to begin. Not a bad problem to have, though.
I don't mind if you ask, you know. Probably whatever I talk about with him, I can talk about with you. For right now everything is a little overwhelming, though, so I want to go slowly.
It's crazy to imagine it's already past six months since we got here. So much has changed. I wonder what we'll be like when a year rolls by? (Maybe a little taller?) I'd love to celebrate that anniversary, though. Just for us sounds really nice. I met a lot of people that day, but after everything that's happened, our meeting was the most important to me.
Mom, I want to thank you again for your help with Hunter. I know you would have helped anyway, since he's your son too, but even so. The truth is, we had a fight on Valentines, and I really felt the stress then. (We worked it out, but we'd never fought before. I didn't know fights with words could be just as scary as the ones with weapons.) I wish I hadn't let him wait so long, but hindsight only helps so much... in the end though, we really needed you and just like always you were right there. I'm so grateful. I think after all this serious stuff is done I'd like to take a week and just goof off. No drama! I'll climb more trees. Play DDR. If anyone asks me to be mature I will come over and hide under your bed. Tell them you didn't see me! (I'm kidding. Unless...!)
I'm sure you've noticed the feathers by now. I have a request. The body for the Golden Guard is almost done, but Draxum had an idea that got me thinking. We're going to use an ingredient from Hunter's world to let the robot breathe. So he can at least experience some aspect of actual life. Can you put one of your shop enchantments on the feathers to help him feel more? The long ones are for the wings, so I was thinking maybe the feel of a nice breeze. The little ones go on his head, and I wasn't sure, so I thought I'd leave it up to you. A warm sun? A nice smell? Whatever you think is best.
Love,
Casey
March 2nd
My wondrous boy,
I'm so proud of you, my Casey. Sometimes the most arduous part of experiencing something as terrible as you did is simply being able to come out on the other side. To acknowledge that things do get better, even if there is still some lingering fear of the future. But you are doing spectacularly, my love, and whatever Thirteen brings next, I hold no doubt in my heart we shall all make it through stronger on our own and together.
Always.
As for your question, to speak plainly, I do. Have I told you much about how the fae pass on? I know that death is of a far greater consequence for mortals, but it is very different back home. The fae do not truly die, they just become something else, a new spirit born in an entirely different body. I have heard of fae becoming trees or flowers or shells on the shore, but the essence of who they were lives on, as do all of the feelings they ever felt. I would like to imagine it is the same for those in other realms as well. Even if they do not become fresh blooms or rushing rivers, that who they are lives on with all of their essences intact forever.
It is why I know they are always watching over you. If it were me, no distance could keep us apart. I know it is the same for them.
Slowly is just fine, dear. All of this will be at your own pace, I promise. And if he ever tries to push you harder than you are ready for, you only need to tell me and I will set him straight so fast his head will spin.
Fighting with loved ones can be terrifying, but I'm proud of you and Hunter for working through such fear. And of course, my love. I would be there for any of you always. Always. It is such an honor to be your mother, Casey. That being said, I am happy to aid in your stress-free week! Please feel free to come hide under my bed as often as you like. Perhaps I will close the shop a few days and we can simply watch movies on the couch all day long. I'm certain Hob will treat us both to every sweet under the sun. We won't have to get up for anyone!
I've returned the feathers, freshly enchanted. I hope these are just what he needs. I can not wait to see him again.
Love forever and ever,
Mom
March 6th
Thank you. I'll try to keep it up. I've got the support of everyone, so I don't have much excuse to fail! I'll keep moving forward.
It sounds kind of like reincarnation. I've heard of that before, though I don't know much about it, or believe in it, really. It sounds kind of cool, though? Becoming something else. A part of nature maybe, with your feelings living on... Maybe that's why pretty scenery sometimes makes people cry? :) I wonder what I'd turn into when I died, if I was fae. (Not for a long long time, though!)
It'd be nice if they could watch over me across dimensions. If I was Hamato by blood, and still in my timeline, I could talk to them for real. I'm not sure how it'd work back in the past. I think I'd be afraid to try. What if they weren't there? What if it didn't work at all? I'm not sure which would feel worse. (But what if it DID work? What would I say? Would I be able to let go again?) Both are messy! Being adopted is tough sometimes. Like, I know I'm loved and part of the family, but some of the rules are different.
Ugh, I guess I really do have a lot more work to do. All of that was such a bummer to read back! For once I don't feel rushed, though. Back home we never had time for this, we went mission to mission and tried not to think about it. It worked until it didn't. Doesn't work like that here, either. I've got a big backlog of mess to work through... just thinking about it makes me feel tired! I want to get better, though. Feeling hopeful that I can. That's new.
I think I'd like to spend more time napping on that nice velvet :) Falling asleep listening to you working sounds nice actually. And I'd love to have a movie weekend or something with you! Nothing but relaxing and whatever silly films we can find. Let's watch some stuff that makes us laugh. We could all use more of that.
Thank you for the feathers, they're perfect. The bird's body is done now. Hunter loves it, the guard seems to approve of it, too. We can do the ritual whenever Master Draxum is ready. I'll be so glad when this is finally over!
Love you, love you, love you,
Casey
March 11th
Let me assure you, my darling boy, if you were ever to pass on as a fae, you and I would be fated to remain together forever. Our hearts are too wound together to ever untangle, so of course our spirits would need to rest with one another. Perhaps our new lives would be a pair of flowers stretching up to the sky or two strong trees, who would dance in the breeze! Truth be told, the what hardly matters as long as you and I were together. Though all of this is quite silly to imagine, isn't it?
(But I agree most ardently. Not for a long, long time!)
Oh sweetheart, I can not imagine how you feel and I wish more than anything I had the answers you seek. Would you like to speak more about it together with me? To talk about what you might say to them? What you'd like to hear back? You know I would want to hear all of it, your every thought and worry and hope. And perhaps, not knowing for certain if they can hear you in this realm or not, you may still find some relief in the words being shared aloud with someone.
But that is up to you, my Casey. :) I love you and respect whatever choice you make. Just take your time. Of everything I have learned in this place, one of the most important realizations has been that you and I and everyone else has been given so much time. Time to heal and to grow and to keep trying.
Velvet it is! I may have a gift for you the next time you visit the shop. :) Come over and I will tuck you in for a nap while I work. I admit, I love my shop dearly, but it is never so wonderful as when you boys are over visiting. Even if you are busy with homework in the corner, just having you there, hearing your voices in the background, it brings me so much joy. So come nap anytime! I will put up a curtain for naps even!
Soon, my love. Soon.
You make my every single day better, little cub,
Mom
March 16th
I think if I had a choice I'd rather be a fae tree. Flowers don't live very long, right? But trees can go for years and years. I'd still want to stay with you for a long time! (I am going to stop talking about theoretical dying now, though. It's kind of morbid even for me. I just think the fae thing is neat.)
I'm not sure what to say or think about, re: the Hamato spirits… I'm not sure what I would say. To sensei at least I'd want to yell at him a little for not planning to go with me, for sending me alone even if he didn't have much choice. But then I would forgive him, and thank him for saving me. I'd want him to know that I'm safe and happy. I would ask if it's okay to call him dad. I don't know what else… I don't know if I should let myself think about it. It would hurt a lot if no one answered. I guess all of that is a start, though. The rest might just come naturally if I meet him again.
Hey, Mom… you worry about being a good mom for us, don't you? If you're doing right by us or are enough. Sometimes we mess up and hide things, or you're not 100% perfect and second-guess yourself. I've seen it here and there. I want to tell you, sometimes I go back and re-read a bunch of your letters when I'm feeling low. All your kindness and encouragement in the months since we met have made me feel so much stronger than I would be otherwise. You coddle us when we need it but you still give us plenty of space to grow up. I think you're an amazing mom, and you're only getting better at it.
Thank you again for the robe. It makes me really happy to wear it. I laid it out on my bed the other day and it almost felt like sleeping at your shop. It made me think actually, maybe I could get Hunter a sewing machine for his birthday? He seems to really like it. Then our apartment would feel like your shop sometimes on days we don't go :)
With love,
Casey
March 22nd
Pray, forgive me for the lateness of this letter. How time has gotten away from me so often as of late! To you and to you alone I will solely admit that running the shop, taking so many orders, and planning a wedding all at once is almost more than this old owlbear can handle alone. I thought it would be nothing for a professional like myself, but I'm clearly out of practice. To think it's been an entire year since I last planned a wedding. I used to plan for multiple events at the same time!
But that being said, I'm enjoying myself, even if my perfectionist side is peeking out just a touch more than I'd like. I just have to keep reminding myself this is a casual affair, for family and friends, it does not need all of Faerie's over-the-top opulence.
What about writing them a letter? You could get out every thought and feeling out onto paper for your sensei and the rest of the family, all in one place, so that when the day comes that you see them again, you will have all you want to say prepared and you don't have to spend every moment until then carrying it inside of you. Letters have become such an important part of our relationship and so therapeutic too, it might help to organize your thoughts. Writing to you always helps me with my own.
[It's not very much, Rue is not an artist in any sense, they just have a keen eye for design and fashion, but between paragraphs in this letter, it is clear they paused to take in their son's kind words of encouragement, and while they paused, they drew miniature versions of them and Casey holding hands, little stick arms and hands, smiling brightly and wearing scribbled flower crowns.]
I am touched that you would say such a thing.
I do worry, but I also know such worries are illogical. I can not say that I have any real experience with mothers and how they should or shouldn't act, but the love I hold for you boys is stronger than the fae magic that gave me life. Love that powerful can not be wrong. Even if I make mistakes or fail in saying the wrong thing, there is no doubt in my heart that I am your mother and those bonds between us can never be broken.
That being said, I would very much prefer if I was the perfect mother, but I assure you that I'm doing my best and I will always keep growing to be the parent you all deserve. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life. Nothing has ever made as much sense to me before.
I'm so very happy that you enjoy the robe, little one. :) In truth, I was thinking of getting him one for his birthday the last few months, would you like to find the perfect one together?
With endless love,
Mom
March 25
You should take time off! Close the shop, delay orders that don't have a time limit. Spend more time on yourself! You don't want to feel overloaded on your wedding, right? And whatever you think you still need to finish, let us help! Instead of having people come in, we can do deliveries, so you don't have to spend so many hours in the shop! I'll do anything to help. If you don't ask, I'll just bully my way in and do it anyway, so you'd better put me to work :)
You're right that it doesn't have to be super fancy. Only as fancy as you want it to be! So if you want to go crazy, then definitely go crazy, even if it's only for a small group. Have a wedding you'll be satisfied with after it's over.
Writing a letter is a really good idea, so thank you for that. It's sure helped me get my thoughts across in all the letters we've written, to the point where sometimes I feel bad about all the info-dumping I've inflicted on you. (I know you don't mind, but I still want to be self-aware enough to say it. Whether or not I'm capable of stopping is another thing.) I started working on some. Or more like, I started, then restarted, then restarted… it's harder to get my thoughts straight. Maybe because I don't know for sure if they'll ever see it or hear it… you'd think that would make it easier. Low pressure, you know? I'll keep working on it, though. It's better than the alternative, whatever that might be.
I think the love of a mother can be different, depending on the mother giving it. From what little I remember of my bio mom, her way of showing love was a lot different from how you show it, but I craved it just as much as I do now with you. You couldn't possibly be more different, but I loved her, and I love you, all the same. Anyway, you've been an official mom for a long time now, so you have SOME experience at least. You've seen what works and what doesn't. We're all learning together, that's okay.
I'm so glad to have you in my life, too. I'm not a perfect son, but I'm happy to be imperfect together. What matters most is that we're happy. And I am, so that's plenty.
It makes SO much more sense for you to be the one giving him a sewing machine! I don't even know where I'd start looking for what's good or not… searching for one together is an amazing idea. I'm all in :)
Love you always,
Casey
[The letter is accompanied by a couple of little sketches, one of Rue solo, one with them and Hob, another with them and a little owlbear cub. Not the most advanced art, but he's clearly been practicing hard the last several months. They come with a little post-it:]
I did these during my day off, Hunter agreed art didn't count as work :) I might try to use them for painting practice later. it's a lot better than leaves glued on paper!
March 29th
You drive a hard bargain. As tempting as it is to keep doing things my own way, I know that would only force you into bullying, so I will graciously accept some help. But even then, only a little. And only on evenings you do not feel overwhelmed with schoolwork. I don't want to interfere with your studies, your schooling is so important to me and I would never forgive myself for ruining that for you.
But thank you for the offer. Truly. I do not know what I would do without you in my life, and I am so very grateful I shall never have to find out.
As difficult as it may be, as you have seen in all of our practicing with letter writing and flower crown making, most things start off hard and get easier with time. It's in the repetitions, the repeated motions of your pen gliding over the paper, soon enough all of your thoughts will spill out like ink across your paper, instead of having to spend the time overthinking every single one. Just continue to give yourself that grace we spoke of. Eventually, writing to them will be as easy as writing a letter to me. :)
(Is that a fair assumption to make? That writing to me is easy? I certainly hope I am not too far off in that belief. For me, there is no one I could write more sincerely with than you.)
I suppose I have been your official mother for some time now, haven't I? It's so strange to me, how it feels as if I've only just met you and that I've been your mother forever all at once. I have been a parent for a mere comma in the life of a fae, but it has been the happiest and proudest months of my long life. I have held acclaimed titles, been the emissary of joy for every fae across Faerie, but none of that has ever compared to the joy of being your mother.
You are my everything,
Mom
Do not dare insult my favorite piece of artwork, Casey Jones. Though I love these beautiful sketches, I will defend your leaf paper until the day I die!
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